Why We Struggle To Trust
What happens in your body when a donor doesn't respond to your email?
Do you immediately assume they're upset? Do you start wondering whether you've done something wrong? Do you send another follow-up, reread the last conversation, or start preparing for rejection?
Before you send that next email, there's something worth understanding: your nervous system may be responding to uncertainty as if it's danger.
For nonprofit leaders and fundraisers, this matters more than we might realize. The way we respond to uncertainty affects how we communicate, make decisions, build relationships, approach donors, and lead our teams.
Your nervous system is designed to keep you safe. But it isn't designed to tell you the truth about every situation.
And learning to recognize the difference between nervous system activation and intuition can change the way you lead.
What Is the Nervous System's Role in Nonprofit Leadership?
Your nervous system has one primary job: safety.
It's constantly asking questions such as:
Am I safe?
Am I accepted?
Am I about to lose something?
Should I prepare for danger?
This is why an unexpected email, difficult conversation, board meeting, or donor interaction can trigger such a strong physical reaction.
Maryanne shares a story about receiving an official-looking letter from a court that had her name and her husband's name on it. Before she even knew what the letter contained, her body reacted. Her mind immediately started creating possible explanations about what could be wrong.
Then she opened the letter.
It was simply a routine guardianship verification.
The danger wasn't real, but the nervous system response was.
As Maryanne explains, "Your nervous system is designed to keep you safe, not necessarily to tell you the truth of a situation."
That distinction is incredibly important for nonprofit leaders.
Why Uncertainty Can Trigger Fear and Anxiety
Our brains don't like missing information.
When we don't know what's happening, we tend to fill in the blanks.
A donor hasn't responded.
You might tell yourself they're unhappy with the organization.
A board member says, "We need to talk."
Suddenly you're replaying everything you've said and wondering whether you're about to lose their support.
An employee is unusually quiet.
You start wondering whether they're planning to resign.
But there could be another explanation entirely.
The donor might be busy.
The board member might simply have a question.
The employee might have had a difficult night at home.
The important distinction is this:
Facts are observable. Stories are interpretive.
Your nervous system can make a story feel true without that story actually being true.
How Nervous System Activation Affects Fundraising
Fundraising requires us to tolerate uncertainty.
You can make the best possible ask and still not know what the donor will decide.
You can nurture a relationship for months and still not know when someone will make a gift.
You can send a carefully crafted proposal and still have to wait for the answer.
If your nervous system interprets that uncertainty as danger, you may start trying to regain control.
That can look like excessive follow-ups, overexplaining, constantly checking your email, reading into silence, or trying to predict what a donor is thinking.
The problem is that none of these behaviors actually create certainty.
They simply give your nervous system something to do.
Hypervigilance Can Look Like Being a Great Leader
One of the most interesting points from this episode is that nervous system activation doesn't always look like panic.
Sometimes it looks like productivity.
You might tell yourself you're being responsible because you're checking your inbox for the tenth time.
You're being strategic because you're thinking through every possible outcome.
You're being caring because you're constantly checking on everyone.
You're being prepared because you're trying to anticipate every problem.
Those can all be healthy behaviors.
But when you're doing them primarily to calm your nervous system, they can become hypervigilance.
You are trying to create certainty in a world where certainty doesn't actually exist.
Trust Is How We Learn to Hold Uncertainty
If certainty and control are illusions, what helps us move forward?
Trust.
Trust doesn't eliminate uncertainty.
It increases our ability to tolerate it.
As Maryanne puts it, "Trust doesn't say, 'I know what will happen.' Trust says, 'I believe I'll handle whatever happens.'"
That is a powerful mindset for nonprofit leadership.
You don't know exactly what your donor will do.
You don't know exactly what your board will decide.
You don't know exactly how your next campaign will perform.
But you can trust yourself to respond when you have more information.
You can trust the relationships you've built.
You can trust your team.
You can trust your community of support.
That is very different from pretending everything will go exactly as planned.
How Regulated Leaders Build More Influence
The most influential leader in the room isn't necessarily the loudest person.
Often, it's the person who is regulated enough to stay present.
When you're regulated, you can listen.
You can remain curious.
You can think strategically.
You can ask better questions.
You can stay compassionate.
And you can release the outcome instead of desperately trying to control it.
When you're disregulated, the opposite can happen.
You may start chasing, pushing, avoiding, withdrawing, becoming defensive, or trying to force a particular result.
And because nervous systems are contagious, your internal state doesn't necessarily stay internal.
Your nervous system becomes part of your leadership.
Your Nervous System Sets the Emotional Temperature
Think about what happens when a leader walks into a room in full crisis mode.
Everything suddenly feels urgent.
People become tense.
Communication becomes reactive.
Everyone starts looking for what's wrong.
Now think about the opposite experience.
A leader walks in calm, grounded, and confident.
They don't pretend there's no problem.
They simply don't add more fear to the problem.
That steadiness can change the entire room.
Maryanne describes it simply: "You set the temperature. Your nervous system is contagious."
This means nonprofit leaders aren't only communicating information.
They're also communicating emotional safety.
Co-Regulation: Why Healthy Relationships Matter
We aren't meant to regulate completely on our own.
Trusted relationships can help us find our way back to steadiness.
A spouse, friend, mentor, coach, colleague, donor, or board chair can sometimes provide the grounded presence that reminds us we are okay.
This isn't about needing someone else to be okay before you can be okay.
It's about allowing another person's steadiness to help you reconnect with your own.
That is co-regulation.
And it becomes particularly valuable during periods of organizational uncertainty, financial pressure, leadership transitions, or crisis communication.
Why Predictability Matters More Than Constant Communication
For nonprofit fundraisers, this is an especially useful lesson.
You don't have to constantly contact donors to maintain a trusting relationship.
Healthy relationships have rhythms.
Maybe you connect with a donor quarterly.
Maybe you have a regular coffee.
Maybe your organization sends consistent updates at predictable intervals.
The point isn't intensity.
It's reliability.
Predictability can create safety far more effectively than constant contact.
Instead of repeatedly asking, "Do you still care about us?" you're creating a relationship where both sides know what to expect.
That allows everyone to relax into the relationship.
5 Questions to Ask When Your Nervous System Is Activated
The next time you notice your heart racing, your thoughts spiraling, or your urge to immediately respond, pause before taking action.
Ask yourself:
What am I actually observing?
What story am I creating about what I'm observing?
What would trust do next?
Do I need to respond right now, or can I pause?
Can I take a breath and make this decision from a regulated place?
This simple process creates space between the initial nervous system response and your behavior.
That space matters.
Stop Reacting and Start Responding
You don't need a different personality to become a calmer, more influential leader.
You need to understand what's happening inside your body before you act on it.
When your nervous system settles, you can stop chasing certainty.
You can stop predicting catastrophe.
You can stop trying to control every outcome.
And you can start leading from trust rather than fear.
That doesn't mean you'll never become activated.
Maryanne makes this distinction clear. The goal isn't to prevent your nervous system from firing. The goal is to recognize what's happening, allow the activation to move through you, and avoid making important decisions from that first burst of information.
Build Your Regulation Muscle Through Practice
Regulation is a practice.
The more you practice noticing activation, pausing, breathing, and choosing your response, the easier it becomes.
For fundraisers, that might mean making the donor call even when your heart is beating faster than usual.
For leaders, it might mean waiting before responding to an emotionally charged email.
For executives, it might mean recognizing that your team doesn't need you to manufacture certainty. They need you to model trust.
You don't have to wait until you're perfectly calm.
You simply need to practice finding your way back.
Become a Calm, Confident, and Influential Nonprofit Leader
Your nervous system is going to react.
There will always be uncertainty.
There will always be difficult conversations, unanswered emails, unexpected changes, donor decisions, and moments that make your body say, "Something is wrong."
The goal isn't to eliminate those moments.
It's to learn how to move through them without allowing fear to make your decisions for you.
When you can regulate yourself, you create more space for trust, creativity, strategic thinking, authentic communication, and meaningful donor relationships.
Ready to become a more regulated, calm, confident, and influential nonprofit leader?
Connect with me to explore practical strategies for strengthening your leadership, communicating with greater confidence, and building relationships from a place of trust rather than fear.