Conflict Sparks Change: Why Conflict Isn’t the Enemy
Let’s be honest—most of us didn’t wake up today thinking, “I hope I get into a conflict.” I know I didn’t. In fact, I’ve had a long journey with conflict and have spent years reshaping how I view it. But here’s what I’ve learned, and what I shared with conflict resolution specialists Dawnn Bedlivy and Kim Faircloth in this powerful episode of The Influential Nonprofit: conflict isn’t a threat—it’s a tool.
Not only is conflict natural, it’s necessary. It’s where change begins. It’s where relationships deepen. It’s where stagnant thinking finally gets disrupted. If we can shift our mindset to see conflict not as a problem, but as an opportunity, everything about how we lead and communicate transforms.
Kindness Is Not the Same as Truth
In nonprofit culture—especially among helpers and healers—there’s an unspoken rule that we should avoid conflict at all costs. We default to being “nice,” agreeing in meetings, smiling through discomfort. But as I’ve seen time and again, this only pushes truth underground.
“Everyone says ‘sure, sure’ in the meeting—and then shares how they really feel in the hallway.”
That’s not peace. That’s avoidance. True peace doesn’t come from ignoring tension—it comes from addressing it with care and clarity.
Conflict Is a Signal That Something New Wants to Emerge
I loved when Kim said, “Conflict sparks change.” She and Dawn shared that the root of every innovation, every policy shift, every meaningful conversation, is two competing ideas trying to coexist. That’s the spark. That’s where something new can be born—if we allow it.
But to allow it, we need a mindset shift. We need to move from resistance to curiosity. From either/or to “what else is possible?”
This is what I call the “secret option C”—what exists beyond the binary. That new idea, that higher third, is often born through conflict.
Your First Reaction Isn’t Always Your Best Reaction
If someone comes at you with emotion or disagreement, your first instinct might be to defend, fix, or retreat. But here’s the truth: your initial response is often not your most helpful one.
Dawn and Kim shared their HERE model—a brilliant tool to slow down reactive behavior and create productive dialogue:
H – Honor the Relationship
Set clear parameters. Acknowledge the shared goal. Affirm that both parties matter.E – Explore
Ask open-ended questions. Get curious. Seek to understand before being understood.R – Reflect
Repeat back what you heard. Let the other person feel seen, heard, and validated.E – Empower Next Steps
Co-create the path forward. Don’t dictate. Collaborate.
This framework allows us to respond thoughtfully, not impulsively—something we desperately need more of in leadership spaces.
Conflict at Work = Growth at Home (and Vice Versa)
One of the biggest takeaways from our conversation was this: you can’t compartmentalize how you show up. If you avoid conflict at work, chances are you avoid it at home. And if you grow in one area, you grow in the other.
As Dawn said, “When you know better, you know better everywhere.”
That’s why learning how to sit in discomfort—without rushing to fix it—is a game-changer. Whether it’s managing your team, talking with your board, or navigating family dynamics, these skills ripple outward.
The Four C’s of Being Trustworthy in Conflict
Kim shared a powerful list of what people need to feel safe with you during conflict. To be trusted, you must show:
Competence – Do you know what you’re doing?
Confidence – Can you lead through uncertainty?
Consistency – Do you show up the same way every time?
Care – Do you genuinely care about the other person’s experience?
When people perceive these traits, they’re more likely to open up—and stay open.
How to Pause Without Avoiding
Sometimes, a conversation gets heated and you just don’t have the words. That’s okay.
Instead of reacting, say something like:
“You’ve given me a lot to think about. Can I have a little time to reflect before we move forward?”
This isn’t avoidance—it’s regulation. Because if your body is in fight-or-flight mode, your ability to communicate effectively drops significantly. You need time to return to your calm, curious self before continuing.
And if you’re in a public space (like a board meeting), use phrases that create space:
“Let’s take a breath.”
“What’s the real issue we’re trying to solve here?”
“I’m hearing some big feelings—let’s unpack them with care.”
These simple phrases can de-escalate and re-center the room.
The Power of Being Heard
Here’s the most important truth: most people don’t need their problem solved—they just want to be heard.
“Advice without permission feels like criticism. Validation feels like care.”
As leaders, we often jump into fixing mode. But real influence begins when we simply hold space. When we say, “Tell me more,” or “Help me understand.”
Sometimes, just letting someone speak their full truth is enough to dissolve the conflict entirely.
Final Thoughts: Normalize Disagreement
Conflict isn’t a detour—it’s the path. If we can normalize disagreement in our organizations, we unlock new possibilities, deeper trust, and better outcomes.
It starts with you. With practicing the HERE model. With recognizing when your instinct is to retreat or control—and choosing curiosity instead.
Let’s stop labeling conflict as a failure and start seeing it for what it is: the birthplace of change.
Ready to Lead with Confidence, Not Control?
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