What Makes Donors Say Yes?
What makes someone say yes?
It's a question I've spent a lot of my career thinking about. How do we get people to say yes to donating, volunteering, joining a board, enrolling in a program, supporting a cause, or becoming part of something bigger than themselves?
For much of my life, getting people to say yes seemed to come naturally to me. I was the youngest child in my family, and I learned early how to enroll people in what I wanted to do. I didn't really recognize it as a skill at the time. I just knew how to get people on board.
But when I started Courageous Communication, I became much more interested in understanding how that actually worked. How do we create the conditions that help people move toward something? And how can we help nonprofit leaders develop that same ability?
Because here's the thing: you cannot do the work you want to do without other people's participation.
You need people to say yes to your mission. You need donors to say yes to giving. You need board members to say yes to serving. You need volunteers to say yes to helping. And you need people to say yes to becoming part of the change you're trying to create.
But getting a yes isn't simply about finding the right words or making the perfect pitch.
It's about understanding what makes people feel safe, connected, willing, and empowered to choose.
What Actually Makes Someone Say Yes?
We like to think that decision-making is rational. We look at the information, weigh the pros and cons, evaluate the opportunity, and make a decision.
But there's so much more happening underneath that process.
When someone is considering whether to say yes, they're also asking themselves:
Do I trust this person?
Does this feel safe?
Do I trust myself?
Does this fit who I believe I am?
What will other people think?
What could I lose?
What might change?
What happens if I'm wrong?
Can I tolerate not knowing how this will turn out?
Think about that for a moment.
When a donor is considering making a gift, they're not simply evaluating your nonprofit's programs or the amount of money you're asking for. They're also considering their relationship with your organization, their own values, their sense of connection, and what making that commitment means to them.
Sometimes we're not saying no to the opportunity in front of us. We're saying no to what we imagine might happen after we say yes.
And sometimes we're saying yes, not because we genuinely want to, but because we're afraid of what might happen if we say no.
Understanding this distinction can completely change how we approach nonprofit fundraising and donor relationships.
Your Nervous System Has a Vote in Decision-Making
One of the things I want you to understand is that our nervous systems are involved in our decisions much more than we realize.
We can logically want something and still feel ourselves pulling away from it. We can also know that something isn't right for us and still feel incredibly drawn toward it.
Our nervous systems are constantly processing safety, risk, familiarity, belonging, uncertainty, and past experiences.
And here's something important: familiar doesn't necessarily mean good, and unfamiliar doesn't necessarily mean dangerous.
Sometimes growth feels uncomfortable simply because we haven't experienced it before.
Think about a nonprofit leader asking a donor for a significant gift. They may know exactly what they want to say. They may have prepared their proposal and practiced the conversation. But when the moment arrives, their body reacts.
They feel nervous. They become uncomfortable. They start overexplaining or trying to control the conversation.
Now imagine the donor experiencing that pressure. They may not understand exactly what's happening, but they can feel that something is off.
When we pressure people or push them toward a decision, their nervous systems may interpret that pressure as uncertainty or danger. They may pull away without necessarily knowing why.
This is why self-leadership matters in fundraising.
We need to learn to notice what's happening inside us without automatically allowing that feeling to make the decision.
Ask yourself: Am I responding to an actual problem, or am I responding to uncertainty?
Because uncertainty and danger are not the same thing, even though they can feel very similar in our bodies.
The Difference Between Boundaries and Agreements
I talk a lot about boundaries and agreements because I think understanding the difference can transform our personal and professional relationships.
A boundary is something we don't want to have happen. It's what we're saying no to.
An agreement is something we consciously choose. It's what we're saying yes to.
For example, I might decide that I'm not going to answer emails after 6 p.m. That's a boundary.
But what am I actually saying yes to?
I'm saying yes to dedicated time with my family. I'm saying yes to balance. I'm saying yes to being present in my personal life.
Do you see the difference?
Agreements help us create what we do want instead of simply enforcing what we don't want.
An agreement establishes what I'm willing to do, what you can expect from me, and what I can expect from you.
We make agreements with ourselves and with other people. They define how we're choosing to be in relationship with one another.
Why Clear Agreements Matter in Nonprofit Leadership
I see this happen all the time with nonprofit boards.
A nonprofit leader wants board members to become more involved in fundraising. So they decide to create a board agreement that includes fundraising responsibilities.
But here's the problem: you cannot simply change the agreement without involving the board members in the decision.
You cannot decide what someone else has agreed to do.
If board members haven't participated in establishing those expectations, you may end up with resentment, confusion, and frustration.
The same thing happens in teams.
Someone might feel responsible for a committee they never really agreed to join. Someone else might be frustrated because a colleague isn't meeting an expectation that was never clearly communicated.
Healthy relationships, whether personal or professional, require clear agreements.
Here's what I'm willing to do. Here's what you're willing to do. Is this something we both agree to?
That conversation matters.
A Meaningful Yes Requires the Freedom to Say No
This is one of the most important ideas in this entire conversation.
A meaningful yes requires the ability to say no.
Think about it.
If someone doesn't believe they're allowed to say no, how meaningful is their yes?
If a donor gives money because they're afraid of disappointing you, rather than because they genuinely believe in your mission, what kind of relationship are you creating?
Will they want to give again?
Will they feel good about the decision?
Will they become a loyal, long-term supporter?
I want people to make empowered choices. I don't want someone to work with me, support me, or give to an organization simply because they feel they have no other option.
When I have a conversation with someone who might want to work with me, I want them to understand that whatever they decide is okay.
Would I love them to say yes? Absolutely.
But I don't need them to.
I want them to recognize the alignment and choose it because they genuinely want to.
That's a completely different energy.
And it applies directly to fundraising. We don't want donors who feel forced into giving. We want donors who choose to support our work because they believe in it.
Influence Is Not the Same as Control
We spend so much of our lives trying to get someone else to say yes.
Buy from me. Hire me. Donate. Come with me. Choose me. Love me. Stay. Change. Understand me. Agree with me.
And when the yes doesn't come, we start looking for the magic formula.
Maybe I need to explain it differently.
Maybe I need another follow-up.
Maybe I should ask again.
Maybe I haven't convinced them enough.
Maybe if I find the exact right words, I can make the yes happen.
As a writer and someone who loves words, I understand this temptation. I often think that if I can just find the right words, I can create the result I'm looking for.
But influence isn't control.
We can create the conditions for someone to say yes. We can build trust, communicate clearly, understand what matters to them, invite, and ask.
But we cannot own somebody else's decision.
Their yes belongs to them, and so does their no.
The more I allow someone to have sovereignty over their decision, the more likely they are to make an empowered choice.
And even if that choice is no, the relationship doesn't have to end badly.
Someone who feels respected may still refer you to another person. A donor who decides your organization isn't the right fit may still speak positively about your work.
But if you pressure someone into a yes, you may damage the relationship you're trying to build.
Stop Trying to Force Donors to Say Yes
Let's look at a common fundraising situation.
You're meeting with a potential donor, and they say:
"That sounds interesting. Why don't you send something over and I'll take a look?"
Now, I'm not saying that every person who says this is trying to reject you. But sometimes it's a polite way of saying no.
They may not know how to tell you they're not interested. They may not want to disappoint you. They may feel uncomfortable having a direct conversation.
And sometimes we contribute to that discomfort because we haven't given them permission to say no.
Imagine responding differently.
You could say something like:
"I'd be happy to send that over. And I also want you to know that there's no pressure. What matters to me is that you make the decision that's right for you. If this is something you want to explore, wonderful. If it's not the right fit, that's okay too."
What happens when you do that?
You remove some of the pressure.
You give the other person room to consider the opportunity honestly.
You make it possible for them to tell you what they actually think.
The less attached I am to the answer, the more space someone has to make an empowered decision.
And that's what we want in donor relationships.
Sometimes the Yes You're Waiting For Is Your Own
Now, let's turn this around.
Sometimes nobody else is stopping us. We're the ones who won't give ourselves permission.
We're waiting until we're certain.
We're waiting until we're qualified enough, successful enough, prepared enough, healed enough, or confident enough.
We're waiting for somebody else to tell us we're ready.
But what if the yes you're waiting for is yours?
Sometimes saying yes to yourself doesn't mean, "Yes, I know this is going to work."
It means, "Yes, I'm willing to find out."
I work with nonprofit leaders on this all the time.
Sometimes they don't need another strategy. They don't need another script. They don't need more research.
They already have a detailed donor journey. They already understand their audience. They already have the knowledge and experience.
What they need is to trust themselves enough to use what they have.
They need to say:
Yes, I'm qualified enough.
Yes, I have the skills.
Yes, I'm ready to try.
Yes, I can take the next step.
Sometimes my work isn't about giving someone more information. It's about helping them recognize that they already have enough to move forward.
What to Do When a Donor Says No
Now, let's talk about the part nobody particularly enjoys.
What happens when you don't get the yes you wanted?
It happens to me too. I have conversations with wonderful people who are interested in working together, but sometimes the timing isn't right or the budget isn't there.
And it can be disappointing.
You start wondering whether you could have said something differently.
Maybe I should have explained the offer better.
Maybe I should have shared another example.
Maybe I should have followed up one more time.
If you're an action-oriented person like me, doing something can feel much better than doing nothing.
It feels as though you're still in control.
But there comes a point when you've done everything that belongs to you, and the next move belongs to someone else.
You've asked. You've communicated. You've shown up. You've provided the information. You've made yourself available.
Now it's their decision.
That isn't defeat. It isn't passivity. It isn't giving up.
It's recognizing where your influence ends and someone else's agency begins.
Sometimes another invitation is appropriate. Sometimes another thank-you makes sense. But sometimes the most influential thing you can do is allow the other person to decide.
Recognizing What You Can and Cannot Control
When a donor says no, remember:
Acknowledge the decision. You can be disappointed without making the other person's choice wrong.
Recognize what was within your control. You can evaluate your communication, preparation, and invitation without taking responsibility for someone else's decision.
Respect their autonomy. Give them the space to make the choice that's right for them.
Keep the relationship open. A no today doesn't mean the person will never support your organization.
Release the outcome. You can continue doing meaningful work without needing every conversation to end in a yes.
This is one of the biggest lessons in influence: knowing where your influence ends.
How to Create the Conditions for More Donor Yeses
So, if we can't control someone's decision, what can we do?
We can create the conditions that make an empowered yes possible.
When someone is considering supporting your nonprofit, think about what they need to experience throughout the relationship.
They need to trust you.
They need to feel connected to the mission.
They need to understand what their support makes possible.
They need to feel that their choice matters.
And they need the freedom to decide whether this is right for them.
Here are six things to consider when building stronger donor relationships:
Trust: Build credibility through consistent, honest communication.
Safety: Create conversations where people can express concerns or say no without feeling pressured.
Desire: Help people connect your mission to something they genuinely care about.
Connection: Make donors feel seen, heard, and understood.
Autonomy: Allow people to make their own decisions.
Belief: Help people see the possibility of what their participation can accomplish.
These are not tricks to make people give.
They're the foundations of meaningful relationships.
And when people choose to support your organization because they genuinely believe in what you're doing, they're much more likely to want to stay connected and participate again.
The Goal Isn't More Yeses. It's More Meaningful Yeses.
I've spent a lot of my career talking about getting people to say yes.
But there's another question I find even more interesting:
What makes us say yes?
What creates enough trust, safety, desire, connection, autonomy, and belief for someone to move toward something, even when they cannot know exactly how it will turn out?
And what would happen if we became better at recognizing our own yes?
Yes when we mean yes.
No when we mean no.
Clear agreements about what we've chosen.
Clear boundaries about what we haven't.
And enough sovereignty to allow other people to do the same.
Maybe the goal isn't getting more yeses.
Maybe the goal is creating relationships with donors, colleagues, partners, board members, friends, family, and ourselves where yes actually means something.
Because we don't want people to feel that they have to participate.
We want them to choose to.
They don't have to. They don't need to. They choose to.
That's a whole different energy.
Ready to Create More Meaningful Donor Relationships?
If you're wondering how to help people move from not knowing your organization to caring about it, connecting with it, and ultimately choosing to support it, let's talk.
You can book a Donor Flow Call with me.
We'll look at your donor journey and explore where relationships may be getting stuck. We'll identify who is aware, who is interested, who feels connected, and who may be ready to take action.
We'll also look at what you can do to create more natural movement without pressuring people into decisions that aren't theirs to make.
Your job isn't to force the yes.
Your job is to create the conditions where the right people can genuinely choose it.
And remember, sometimes people will say yes, sometimes they'll say no, and sometimes they'll say not now.
Respect their choice. Trust your work. Keep creating meaningful connections.
Everything is going to be okay either way. I promise.
Book your Donor Flow Call through the link in the show notes, and let's explore what meaningful donor engagement could look like for your organization.